I'm not ready for this
Little babies crying? I can handle that.
Little toddlers whining? I can handle that.
Potty training? Check.
Spit up? Check.
Maneuvering through Kroger with 3 kids and a week's worth of groceries? Working on it.
But Easton threw me a curve ball on Wednesday. I'm not sure how to handle this situation. Anyone out there with big kids have any advice?
Easton got off the bus as usual and we were talking in the kitchen about his day as I was getting things ready for dinner. He made the comment, "Mommy, I don't know why Joe (or other random boy's name, I can't remember) doesn't like me. Every day I say nice things to him and he is mean to me."
My first approach is to explain to him that Joe must be a mean boy to everyone and he shouldn't take it personally. Joe just doesn't know how to act nicely.
No, this doesn't work. He sees through my tactic and says, "Yes, Joe is nice to the 1st graders and he is nice to all the other boys and girls on the bus, but whenever I talk to him, he just yells at me to shut up and go away."
I don't like Joe.
Even though I know he's not buying it - I stick with my first argument and quickly change the conversation and hope that I come up with something better later.
I haven't come up with anything better.
And honestly, I'm not sure why this is bothering me at all. Fine. He needs to learn that not everyone will want to be his friend all the time. That's a life lesson, right? Maybe it bothers me because he sees it as something that HE is doing improperly. And maybe he is. Maybe he is pestering the mess out of poor little Joe and Joe finally had enough. And in that case I'm bothered because I've raised "that" kid. But I don't think that's the case.
Maybe I'm bothered because this happened the day after we had the conversation about his art teacher. Once a week he has art and his art teacher gives treats to the students who work quietly and do a good job. This week he was upset because he has still never been the recipient of this treat. He has begun to self analyze his every movement in art. "Mommy, I whispered one time, but I promise it wasn't loud. And she says it's okay to whisper...but do you think that's why I didn't get a treat?"
Again - why is this bugging me? The child is not deprived of treats. Tonight he will come home with a whole bucket full of treats...
What would Dr. Phil say? I'm sure this is some manifestation of my own insecurities coming back to haunt me. I had a terrible time at his age. I remember specifically being in elementary school and having girls be mean to me. My first slumber party included a group of girls that played on my basketball team (yes I played basketball in 1st and 2nd grades, I have a picture to prove it - don't laugh) and they all locked me out of the bedroom while I sat in the hallway by myself until the mom saw what happened and made them open the door to let me in.
Is this post going somewhere? Oh yes, Easton.
I don't want him to have those feelings. Yet, I'm not sure how strongly I need to react. Ride the bus to school with him and beat up Joe? Teach him naughty insults to hurl back at Joe? How do you teach him to handle such situations while keeping his own self worth intact (aka not turning him into a Momma's boy) or having him adopt the behavior as his own (beating up on next year's kindergartners when he is a big 1st grader).
C'mon. I was just getting good at preventing diaper rash. This is too hard.
4 comments:
Ella is only 4, but I think girls start the verbal abuse earlier. We've already been through a bit of this at church. There was another 4-year-old girl who would tell Ella every week, "I love you, but I don't like you." (as in "the bible says I have to love everybody, but I don't have to like them.") Ella was so upset and couldn't figure out why this girl didn't like her. The best thing I could come up with to do was to role play with her what she would say in response next time that happened. We took turns being Ella and being the other girl. I encouraged her to say things like "I'm sorry you don't like me, but I still like you." and "Jesus wants us to be kind to everyone. I still want to play with you even if you don't like me." It was HARD for me as mommy to imagine anyone not liking my little baby, but we got through it and things are fine now. I think it really helped Ella to feel prepared and know what to say instead of feeling dumbfounded and defenseless. I also reminded her of all the other kids who do really like her and encouraged her to spend her time with them. Hope some of this helps!
Excellent comments, Tanya! I agree. And Easton would do well with role playing - excellent idea...I think you have him kill them with kindness. Explain that not everyone will want to be your friend, that does not mean that you befriend them. Never know, you may end up working for "Joe" one day!!!:-)
JLH
do you know parents of other kids on the bus? i'd ask them if they've had stories come home about joe. easton saying that joe is nice to "everyone else" might just be a few kids and not really everyone else. not as though that helps easton. but if it's a real problem you could have a quick chat with the bus driver to keep an eye on it and see if it's getting out of hand or if it's just easton's feeling being hurt because he has a big heart. sometimes and adult's perspective goes a long way. at least then you'd know exactly what you were dealing with, and maybe gain some insight on how to handle it.
Looks like you have some very good comments. I will keep Easton and you in my prayers as you both go through this situation. May God give you the words to say and the wisdom to know when to say them.
P.S. I am glad you are my friend, from one other locked out of the room at a party. No wonder we have lasted. We would never want someone else to feel that way. Facebook has reminded me of many people who "locked us out" and I am thankful you were always my friend.
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